What does it feel like to be out of control? I'd like to know. To let loose of my emotion, to properly express my feelings, to spill it all out without worrying of being judged.
Life goes on after I came back to Toronto last March. I live my day to day life pretty much like I used to. I mean, I'd talk about it with close friends and I think of her constantly. Sometimes I'd cry in Yves' arms in the middle of the night. But overall I feel like I'm on the right track, calm and rational; mourning quietly while not letting it affect my day to day life. I sleep well most nights and eat as much as I used to. I wonder how people would think of me, whether I seem too calm, too much like an outsider. I want to talk about it with my siblings but they don't seem to want to open up. But it's normal, right? Maybe it's just as hard for them to open up to me as for me to them, or harder. At least I could pretend that those dreams I had were real for a little longer. Plus I haven't tried that hard to talk to them. At times I get the guilt, the anger and blaming, but they are all relatively controlled - I know it's something I have to deal with.
I tried Reiki, but it didn't do anything to me. I couldn't make myself call those support groups for help because I've seem fine, and why should I stir the pot and mess things up?
I stop talking to people about it because I don't want to hear them say that I'm strong. Often time I secretly hope that someone will grab my arm, look me in the eyes, and say to me: Quincin, you are not okay, you are not acting like yourself at all, and you sure need help.
I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be in control. In fact, I want to lose control. I want to let my emotion get me so I could spill it all out like a hurt animal or hungry baby without worrying about anything at all. Just like what most people are experiencing. I'm tired of being strong and rational.
Lately my friends were in town to visit. With them around I began to realize that those happy time that we had spent together back in the old days were so far from us now. What H and I went through completely changed us into different girls. Reality, life decision have dragged us apart physically, and coming to realize this traumatizes my heart. And then there's Alex's problem. Hearing A talk about his problems also take me back to the whole depression thing. I tried to be a good friend and give good advice but really I envy him. My advices and comments only make me realize how much I could have done, how little attention I've paid to my family, and still this hasn't improved. Compared to me, A is a much better son and big brother than I am a daughter and big sister.
1. watch this movie: http://www.sekaihatokidoki.com/
2. go to NYC and have a popicle: http://www.pop-bar.com/index.php
3. learn Spanish in Spain for 2 months
4. paint
5. master Lightroom and organize our photos
6. Fan ring from Urban Outfitter
I'm excited about the double exposure project Nikko and I are going to do this summer. Excited and a little worried. The LC-A is still like a little monster to me. Sometimes I still have no idea how to get the exact color/look that I want. We'll see by around September how the films will turn out!
I adore summer in Ontario. Someone once told me that a cold, dreary winter is what makes summer more enjoyable. Or maybe I said that myself. Well, isn't it so true that, without distinct season, there wouldn't be a favorite season to look forward to every year? We in Canada long for the summer, for summer means shorts and sun glasses, patio and cold beer, strawberry picking and backyard barbecue, the feel of dipping yourself in the refreshing lake and the smell of campfire in your hair.
This is our 3rd time at the Organics Family Farm. Check their blog to see what's available for picking.
Small but sweet and safe.
There's also organic meat. And homemade butter tart and berry pies! I had 2 of the butter tarts but forgot to get them in a photo.
Playing with cattails.
It's the start of raspberry season.
The wind keeps blowing and it's hard to get a picture that's in focus.
Finally.
Pretty raspberry flowers and how they turn into the fruit that tastes so good.
It's the Stouffville Strawberry Festival and Canada. Everyone came out and everyone knows each other here. How cool.
This cow is labelled llama.
This house
and
Her look
We had a little fun near Ossignton with mm the other day.
And then we picked some basils.
Let me tell you about my perfect weekend. Because we didn't use our Canon 50D, I can only describe.
Restorative yoga with Catherine was relaxing. I felt my entire body resonating with everyone at the end of the practice.
And the energy was so powerful it stayed with me for the entire weekend.
Baked this dreamy cream scones for a brunch at Lori's house.
Learned to eat with one hand while holding a baby with the other.
Played some basketball with petit beau Keiren.
The twins are looking more alike than 5 weeks ago.
Sat in the backyard with friends and watched the moon came out.
"The Daddy moon," said Kieren.
Breezy late spring afternoon and water with cucumber slices.
BBQ dinner with the most content family.
Sunday brunch at Gilead Cafe, the sky was so blue clouds so light.
Plus a cup of coffee from the Merchants of Green.
Then we went to the antique market,
to look at knobs and cameras.
Found a Mamiya 645j
and decided to come back next week.
Went home and did laundry,
I was quite impressed with the new washers' capacity (but not the leak)
I made some pizza again -
this time rosemary potatoes with onion, and duck breast with mozzarella and caramelized onion.
Also cleaned the living room, when it's full of sunlight;
and made a new dessert, which I learned from the chef from here.
When Yves came home we played some Mario Galaxy 2
and then we went to sleep.
In my dream I was home with mom
getting ready to go out and shop.
It was the perfect kind of weekend, happened in June 2010.
1. I read about this store called Smash that does savage arts and design. We must visit soon. The Lambretta in their window is screaming CUTE!
2. The red snake quilt decoration Mom bought from Beijing ages ago has been hiding in the storage for too long. It's time for me to retrieve it. I have a perfect spot for it. It'll look so nice with the two paintings we bought from Xi Tang. I'll show you a picture when it's up.
3. I also got an idea for the felt I bought from Shanghai last time. It's time to turn that into action.
4. Mend the vintage dress. The hole is officially too big to wear even in the house.
5. Stop being lazy and start bringing a notebook with me when I use the Lubitel and LC-A to jot down my setting for each photo. This is how I learn to take better photos right?
6. Is it time for farmer's market yet? How about the market this Saturday?
Frida worked from home today. During our afternoon conference call we heard bird chirping jollily in the background. For the rest of the meeting I just couldn't help but think of the sunlight sifting through the beautiful tinted window in her kitchen and the birds sitting on the branch right outside of it. The picture in my head was so lovely I didn't want to come back to work. Then I thought, if I didn't start writing on this blog again, I would have forgotten about this perfect picture in my head and by night when I try to think of all the nice things that happened today, this would have probably slip my mind. I think it's a good decision to write. It helps me remember all the beauties in this world.
This frame I stole from Devon has been sitting around purposelessly for way too long. This day I finally decided to bring some purpose to its life.
1. Paint the frame white. Here I use Sherwin Williams' Quali-kote in Extra White.
2. Let it dry overnight.
3. Cut a piece of chalkboard sticker paper the size of your frame. These ones I got from DeSerres were perfect for my frame.
4. Stick the chalkboard paper on the back and put the frame back together. If your frame does not have a back, use thick bristol board or just cut out the size on a clean pizza box in my case.
Here's my framed blackboard.
