I should be happy
I don't have the right to be dissatisfied
I can't say
I daren't complain about the bitter that doesn't exist
Like a lake
With no wave no movement
I can't say
Whether this is bad or good
How to describe
My heart is like a ball and it's like a hole
The bigger it gets the emptier it feels
The remaining bits of strength
bits of courage
To face the loneliness
Believe that I still have the ability to let go
Need a bit of strength
A bit of courage
The vent in my heart is constantly suppressed
Whether or not I'm with somebody
There is only me
I'm drifting helplessly down a river of sadness and uncertainty. Rocks and logs that I previously held to gave ways to the quick current. I drank a few mouthful of water as a result of that, and now I am angry at myself for holding onto the wrong rock, and question my survival instincts that I used to be so proud of. I see people standing along the river, some watching me with pitying eyes, some trying to give me a hand. There are also others that are trying to tell me that I'm doing great, that I should just keep my head up. But I suspect that I must have made some terrible mistake or perhaps it's fengshui or something.
Trust me, I know what my options are. I can pray, naturally, and give myself entirely to God's care and trust that this is happening for a reason and I should trust His power. I can tell myself c'est la vie, the best is yet to come, and try to enjoy the scenary as my body continues to flow. I know I could also stay strong and anticipate what will be waiting around the corner, be ready for the next blow. I was relative calm like this not too long ago, before a big log almost knocked me out. It doesn't help that it also looks like it's going to rain soon. It doesn't help that what I've done so far have only seem to drag me further down the stream and add a few cuts and bruises.
I feel so lonely. I know I shouldn't. Look at these friends! Many of them are trying to help. But they don't know how it feels... which makes me so jealous of them. Why make them feel worse now? Their time will come when it comes. I know it will all come to an end, for better or for worse, but right now I just want to submerge myself in the river and not think about the end. Just let me be self-pity and sad right now. Quietly.