我這麼幸福
沒任何權利不滿足
我說不出
怎麼敢埋怨那不存在的苦
活像一個湖
沒有起也沒有伏
我說不出
這到底可以算是禍還是福
該怎麼形容
(心)像一個球又像一個洞
它越大越滿卻越空
剩一點力氣
一點勇氣
來面對孤寂
相信自己還有放棄的能力
要一點力氣
一點勇氣
心裡的空隙 不斷壓抑
無論跟誰在不在一起
都只有自己
I should be happy
I don't have the right to be dissatisfied
I can't say
I daren't complain about the bitter that doesn't exist
Like a lake
With no wave no movement
I can't say
Whether this is bad or good
How to describe
My heart is like a ball and it's like a hole
The bigger it gets the emptier it feels
The remaining bits of strength
bits of courage
To face the loneliness
Believe that I still have the ability to let go
Need a bit of strength
A bit of courage
The vent in my heart is constantly suppressed
Whether or not I'm with somebody
There is only me
I'm drifting helplessly down a river of sadness and uncertainty. Rocks and logs that I previously held to gave ways to the quick current. I drank a few mouthful of water as a result of that, and now I am angry at myself for holding onto the wrong rock, and question my survival instincts that I used to be so proud of. I see people standing along the river, some watching me with pitying eyes, some trying to give me a hand. There are also others that are trying to tell me that I'm doing great, that I should just keep my head up. But I suspect that I must have made some terrible mistake or perhaps it's fengshui or something.
Trust me, I know what my options are. I can pray, naturally, and give myself entirely to God's care and trust that this is happening for a reason and I should trust His power. I can tell myself c'est la vie, the best is yet to come, and try to enjoy the scenary as my body continues to flow. I know I could also stay strong and anticipate what will be waiting around the corner, be ready for the next blow. I was relative calm like this not too long ago, before a big log almost knocked me out. It doesn't help that it also looks like it's going to rain soon. It doesn't help that what I've done so far have only seem to drag me further down the stream and add a few cuts and bruises.
I feel so lonely. I know I shouldn't. Look at these friends! Many of them are trying to help. But they don't know how it feels... which makes me so jealous of them. Why make them feel worse now? Their time will come when it comes. I know it will all come to an end, for better or for worse, but right now I just want to submerge myself in the river and not think about the end. Just let me be self-pity and sad right now. Quietly.
In rural parts of China, it is typical for children to travel a long way or cross a rapid river to get to school. This bamboo bridge school in Xiashi is beautiful and practical without being invasive of the local and natural aestheticity of the town. It not only makes the school a much more attractive place for children to learn, it also brings people together by transforming into a public gathering space and bridging two separate parts of the village. What's more, it's built with local and sustainable materials. The project won the Aga Khan Award for Architecture in 2010.
I had a one-on-one black and white printing lesson at Toronto Image Works with photographer Stephen Brookbank yesterday. Since the TIW uses paper processors I didn't get to play with chemical. Instead I learned how to operate the machine, how to adjust contrast and focus, and how ot analyze a photo and selectively adjust contrast, brightness, and color composition to make an image look better. Stephen was very patient with me and all my questions and he recommended me some books and photographers that I should read about. It's a fascinating experience especially since I have so much interest yet so little knowledge when it comes to film photography and I rarely print any photos in prints larger than 4x6. I learned that when you work on a photo in a darkroom and take your time to try different exposure time or play with dodging and burning, you see a photograph differently. Especially in these days when everyone take thousands of photos with the digital cameras and post them all on facebook, photography loses its purpose as a mean for story telling and the thought processes the came before a shutter is press is almost nonexistence.
Every time I held a print in front of me it felt as if it was the first time I actually looked at the photo. Instead of a flat photo, I began to notice depth, lighting, emotion. I became more proud of each photo that I selected to print, even though they were just 2 out of an entire roll of 36 films.
Now I just want to pick up my camera do some shots.
I like antique and vintage. I'm not very good at finding real antique or valuable stuff from a pile of junk or at a yard sale, but I do love go to antique market and vintage shops and look through things. Ever since I was a teenager I've always loved to look through my mom's suitcases of her clothes from the 70s and 80s and try things on. We'd go through her photo albums and ooo and ahh at her plaid shirt and light brown leather boots and her huge plastic rim shades and bell bottom. We'd try on her old washed jeans and long skirts and marvel at her tiny waist (24"!). She was the most beautiful woman I've ever met and if you like my style I give her all the credit for it. For my 14th birthday she bought me an antique charm bracelet from the Western Market. It's my favorite piece of jewellery and it's something that I will pass on to my daughter if I have one.
I was so sad to part with her clothes and stuff when she passed away. We were short of time and My luggage had limited room. But now whenever I go vintage or non vintage shopping all I could think of are those clothing pieces that we threw away that would have been nice to have kept.
Most of these pieces I kept were either bought during one of those shopping trips with mom or from her when I was studying in Ottawa. I remember where exactly I bought these and the comments that she made. I even remember some of the occasions where I wore them. I might not be able to keep all the clothes I once own but having their pictures taken is almost as good as keeping them in a trunk in the storage room, no?
Black Swan is my most anticipated film of all the films at TIFF. One of my favorite actress Natalie Portman dancing my favorite classical ballet piece directed by one of the best directors of our time. Now I just need to book a time in Y's schedule so we can watch it before our vacation.
And the limited edition posters of Black Swan are just brilliant!
It's almost time to cut my hair short again. It's tricky to have short hair cut when you have a flat head and a round face like me. But I think I found the cut I want!
As a gift to my cousin for his marriage and new addition to the family, I've decided to make something special. I want to make the baby a mobile with my newly adopted "skill" - needle felted animals. Oh and how nice would it be to make some clouds too! Here are some of my inspirations:
1. ECAB 2. Conversation Pieces 3. Donna Wilson 4. Etsy (Lovely Friend) 5. Etsy (Leptitpapillon)
I don't know what got to me this year. But it's like discovering art for the first time in my life, I picked up a paint brush and started experimenting with painting, drawing, collage, and needle felting. I was surprised by how easy it is to paint during my first painting lesson 15 years. With nobody judging or giving me marks, I created a couple of not too bad first pieces on canvases and papers. I also picked up the wool felt that I bought in China a few years ago and started making things with it. It was difficult at first. But soon one after another, little animals were created. Perhaps it's all the blogs I visited this year, perhaps it's a belief that I must got some of mom's genes in me, perhaps it's all the extra time I have for my mind to wander and my hands to linger. I see something in me that I did not see before. I also see something in this world that I never noticed before: patterns, colors, shapes, randomness, light and shadow, texture. I don't know if it's one of the flings that I have once in a while or if it will become something bigger. At this moment I'm just curious about all these and thirst for more.
I found out about a Canadian artist called Michelle Forsyth today. She uses paint, water color, fabrics, cut-paper and other media to create delicate painting and installations. "Her work examines traumatic cultural events and incidents of human suffering depicted in the media." You can find out more about her here: http://www.michelleforsyth.com/index.html.
So I think I made a lot of decisions that seemed to make sense to me at the time but now seem like some really selfish and bad decisions. Our life is reaching this point where, in front of us, there are several paths that lead to different directions. We are not sure where each path will lead us to but we kind of have an idea what we want to achieve in the longer term. There are voices that tell me to make a detour: this is time that you make amend - don't make the same mistake twice, you don't want the same regret twice. I face with the question about the priorities in my life right now. What are most important to me? Family, career, life I want to pursue, or truth?
Someone said to me today:
You make many decisions in life. You make those decisions for a certain goal. You are heading towards the right direction - you want to have a happy life. Yes, some of these are good decisions and sometimes you make some not so good decisions, but don't blame yourself when you make the wrong decision. Remember that you are only a human being and this is the only way you learn, by constantly learning so you don't make the wrong decision twice.
Also, we tend to do what's best for our relationships, and forget to do what makes ourselves happy.
Or what's right.
There are a lot to think about.
